


Gun-Shy

by romanticalgirl



Series: Spent Casings [1]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-01
Updated: 2014-02-01
Packaged: 2018-01-10 18:57:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1163297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/romanticalgirl/pseuds/romanticalgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Willow returns home to Sunnydale after several years absence and needs to find her place again. Is that place with Xander?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Gun-Shy

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted 2000

Willow pushed the door open with her elbow and walked into the house. It was quiet, which made her nervous, even after all these years away from the Hellmouth. "Hello?"

"In here."

She walked inside, setting her bags on the floor. She turned around and held out her hand. "Come on."

"Don' wanna."

"Please?" She knelt down and held out both arms. "Pretty please?"

"Kay." The little boy walked toward her on shaky feet. His strawberry blond hair shone in the sunlight as he stepped over the threshold and into his mother's arms. "There."

Willow picked him up and stood, shutting the door behind them. Walking into the kitchen, she made sure she had her smile firmly in place. "Hi Mom."

"Hello, Willow honey. And how's this little guy?" Sheila Rosenberg stepped forward, her hands outstretched. The little boy in Willow's arms cowered back from her touch. "Willow, honey? Why is he so afraid?"

"You gonna take my Daddy too?"

Willow closed her eyes at his words. "He's a little worried about other women right now, Mom. The last other woman he hugged was…well, she's with Oz now."

Sheila nodded. "I'm not going to take your daddy away, Connor. I'm your grandmother. You'd know that if your Mommy ever came home to visit."

Sighing, Willow sat Connor on the ground. "Please? Not now."

He hugged her leg, still frightened by the older woman. Sheila frowned and started to say something, interrupted by the back door swinging open. "All right, Mrs. R. I got the lawn…done."

Willow couldn't help but stare. Xander. He stood there, his chest bare, sweat glistening against his golden skin.

"Thank you Xander." Sheila picked up her purse, "How much?"

"Free of charge, you know that." He paused for a long moment. "Hello, Willow."

"Hey." She bit her lower lip, a nervous habit she thought long forgotten.

Xander bent down and stared at the little boy, cowering behind Willow's legs. "And who's this?"

"Connor." He said softly.

"Connor." Xander nodded and stuck out his hand. "I'm Xander."

He stepped forward and took the larger hand in his small one. "Hi."

Xander tried to ignore the sharp pain that went through him. He was staring at her son. Her son with Oz. "You and your mom come to visit?"

"No. Live. Dad's gone."

He looked up quickly, the question in his eyes. Gone in Sunnydale meant something very different than it did in the rest of the world. He saw Willow shake her head and sighed in a mixture of relief and regret. Not dead then.

"So you're moving back home?"

Connor nodded, screwing his face up into a pout. "Don' like it."

"Don't blame ya." Xander stood up. "Well, I've got to get home. Shower, change. All that good stuff. You should come by the library tonight. Regular research pizza party."

A ghost of a smile crossed Willow's face. "Sounds like fun. Maybe I'll stop by."

***  
The warm air of nostalgia assaulted Willow as she stepped inside the high school. It had only been a few years, but it seemed like a lifetime ago that she'd left Sunnydale behind. Left it for bigger and better things that had turned out to be a lot smaller and worse than she expected.

She pushed open the doors of the library and stopped. It was like being in a time warp. Giles stood by the circulation desk, Buffy was beating up on a wood dummy, Angel was lurking by the stacks, Cordelia was surveying her nails and Xander was eating.

"Hi."

Her soft greeting was met by a rush of bodies. Hugs from everyone crushed her, and she felt deafened by the roar of questions and comments. When she finally broke free, she couldn't help but giggle.

"I missed you guys too."

Only Xander hadn't joined in. She walked over to the table and sat in her regular seat. Buffy sat beside her and grabbed her hand. "What are you doing here, Wills? Not that I'm not glad to see you, but I didn't expect to see you. I hadn't heard from you in so long…"

She sighed. "I guess I may as well tell you all now, so that I don't have to do this over and over again. I'm moving back to Sunnydale. My dad…he's sick, as you probably know. Mom doesn't think he's going to last much longer, so I'm home to help out."

"I'm sorry, I didn't know," Cordelia said softly.

"It's okay. Anyway, I've been really bad about not writing, I know, but I haven't had very much good news to write about. Oz and I, well you know we got married." She watched the nods, seeing the suspicion creeping into their eyes. "Well, we also got divorced. He met someone else…left…left me for someone else. So I've been raising Connor, that's our son, on my own."

"Your son?" Buffy asked incredulously.

"Yeah. He's five. Oz left about two years ago. He's really bad around women, so I didn't bring him tonight. You can meet though, later." She nodded. "Anyway, so I'm home and willing to help with whatever Hellmouthy thing there is."

"Actually, there's very little going on this evening. We were just getting together to spend time with Angel and Cordelia." Giles shrugged. "Home on a little R and R."

"Oh." Willow grinned. "So, tell me what's been going on with all of you."

***  
Buffy walked Willow out to her car, her arm linked with her friends. "Are you okay, Wills?"

"Yeah." She stopped walking and sighed. "Is Xander okay? He seemed so quiet tonight."

"He's been getting over someone," Buffy shrugged. "And I imagine it was a shock seeing you after all this time. It was a shock for me. You could have written or called, Willow."

"No. If I had, I wouldn't have been able to do all that I did. And I needed to do it, for me if for no other reason." She hugged Buffy tightly. "I should get back to Connor. You'll come meet him tomorrow?"

"Of course. He's got to get to know his Aunt Buffy."

"What about his Uncle Xander?" Xander's voice was harsh in the darkness. "Can he come and play too?"

Willow turned to him. "Of course, Xander. You're always welcome." She looked at him, wondering at the pain in his eyes. "You need a ride home?"

He laughed bitterly. "Sure, Will. That'd be great."

***  
She stopped the car and shut off the engine. Xander looked down at the city below them before turning to her. "Why are we here, Willow?"

"I thought we needed to talk. You're obviously upset with me, and I want to get it out in the open before you blow up in front of Connor. Just because Oz is his father, doesn't mean he can be the target for your hostility. If you're mad, be mad at me."

"I'm not upset with you, Wills." Xander sighed. "I'll admit, it was a shock to see a little version of Oz staring back at me in your mother's kitchen, especially since I didn't even know you'd married him, but I'm not mad."

"You didn't know?"

"My invitation probably got lost in the mail."

"I asked Buffy to tell you…" Willow sighed. "And she probably didn't. I'm sorry."

"Don't be. Look, it's just going to take some getting used to. You were my best friend up until the day you just disappeared with him. You ran away and never looked back. You ran away and had this whole life without me and I'm just finding out about it."

"Buffy said you were getting over someone?"

Xander laughed again, the bitterness in it making Willow flinch. "Yeah. Nice girl. Seemed to think I was a little too hung up on the past. Said I was still so hung up on you that it hurt to watch."

Willow shook her head. "Don't be silly, you're not hung up on me. You got past all of that."

"No, Willow. You did." Xander closed his eyes and lay his head back on the seat. "Can we go home now?"

"Sure."

***  
Connor glared at Buffy over the back of the couch. Turning to Willow, he frowned. "Is she coming to take Daddy away too?"

"No honey. Daddy's gone. Nobody's going to take him away anymore. She's Mommy's friend." Willow sighed softly, wondering when he was going to get over Oz's leaving. "She's your Aunt Buffy."

"Can she play horsy?"

"I'm sure she can," Willow's green eyes begged Buffy and the Slayer smiled.

"Can I play horsy? Kiddo, you're in for the ride of your life." Grabbing him off the couch, she proceeded to run him around the house and yard like a maniac. Willow couldn't help but laugh at his delighted shrieks.

Xander smiled from the chair across from her. "He reminds me of you."

"Does he?" She asked. "I don't see it."

He moved and sat next to her on the couch. "I'm sorry about last night. It was a shock, seeing you and him. Finding out about everything. I…" he raised his hand and brushed the hair out of her eyes. "I didn't mean to upset you."

Willow's green eyes stared up into his chocolate brown ones. "It's all right, Xander, I…"

She was cut off by the soft pressure of his lips on hers. His hand buried itself in her hair and tilted her head slightly to allow him better access to her willing mouth. The intensity of the kiss was overwhelming and Willow pulled away. Her breath was shallow.

"Wha…what was that?"

"Kiss." He leaned forward, nuzzling her mouth with his own, rubbing her lips gently before kissing her again. Heat was rising in his body, filling his heart and his groin.

"Xander," she pulled back, fear in her eyes. "I can't."

He stopped short when he saw the fear. "Did he hurt you, Willow?"

"No." She bent her head so that he couldn't see her eyes. "Not like you mean. But it hurt when he walked away. And I don't ever want to hurt like that again."

"I won't hurt you, Wills. I love you."

"He loved me too, Xander. Besides, you don't even know me anymore. I'm not the same girl I was five years ago." Buffy and Connor came bouncing into the room, both breathless with excitement. Willow stood and took her son from Buffy's shoulders. "I'm a mother now."

***  
Buffy looked at Xander and sighed. "You tell her?"

"What? That you were the one I broke up with?" He shook his head. "No. I don't know what her feelings are for me, but I'm not about to risk hurting her again by letting her know that we took a chance on our friendship and tried to date. Besides, I don't think four dates counts as a relationship."

"Five."

"Well, one date and four chances to let me down easy." Xander laughed. "You knew I still loved her the first date, didn't you?"

"Xander, I've known it since I met you." Buffy hugged him briefly. "You just didn't want to admit it and I had to make you realize it. Plus, I had to get me out of your system."

Xander shook his head. "Well, I appreciate it."

"What are you going to do?"

"She's gun-shy. He really hurt her." Xander's face darkened. "And her number one priority is Connor."

"Right."

"So I'm going to do the right thing."

Buffy raised her eyebrows. "Which is?"

"Make her son love me."

Buffy laughed. "You're more evil than the Hellmouth, Xander."

"All's fair in love and war."

"Hey, I guess you did learn something in school after all, didn't you?"

**

Connor glanced from Xander's face to the golden sponge cake in his hand. His green eyes were troubled and confused. "Wha' I do?"

Xander held the Twinkie to his lips and demonstrated the patented Harris Twinkie eating technique. Connor watched, his eyes wide, then tried to imitate him. He got half the snack in his mouth when Willow walked into the kitchen.

"Xander!"

He jumped to his feet, pretending he hadn't been sitting on the counter. "Hey, Wills."

"Xander, dinner's in a half an hour. You're spoiling his appetite." She walked up to her son and took hold of the Twinkie still dangling from his lips. "Bite."

He bit, setting half of it free. Willow set it on the wrapper and raised her eyebrows. Connor bit his lower lips and smiled meekly. "I's learning."

"You were learning your Uncle Xander's bad habits. Don't believe anything he teaches you." Willow turned to glare at Xander. "Now, go see your Grandpa and Grandma." She helped him down from the counter, setting him on his way with a soft pat on his bottom.

Once he was out of the room, Xander cleared his throat. "Sorry, Wills. I forget you guys actually cook dinner."

She sighed and sat at the kitchen table. "Xander, I know you're trying to be good, and you are great with him…But please, don't teach him anything? I don't want him to grow up thinking that kitchens are only good for calling for take-out. And that school is bad and women…"

His brown eyes darkened. "And women what?"

She shrugged, staring down at the mahogany surface. "You weren't very nice to women when you were younger. Or older."

"I see." He took a deep breath. "I thought I was pretty good to you, Willow."

Nodding, she met his eyes. "You were. To me. Until we grew up a little. I want him to see what's in front of him, Xander."

The silence in the room was deafening. She could see the anger inside him and couldn't help but wonder if she had put it there. "I never knew you had such a low opinion of me, Willow."

"I have a low opinion of men." She stood and walked into the living room. It hadn't changed since high school. She could close her eyes and imagine sitting on the couch, trying to seduce Oz on Christmas Eve. She could picture the thousands of hours she, Xander and Jesse had wrestled on the floor in front of the TV, trying to get control of the remote.

She could remember lying on the couch planning out her life.

It hadn't quite worked out the way she'd planned.

He came up behind her, resting his arms on her shoulders. He could see the changes in her, even from behind. She'd grown so much. The strength of her character was now in the long line of her back, her hair was still cut short, bobbing at chin length, her shoulders seemed more sloped, carrying the weight of motherhood.

And he knew, if he spun her around, her green eyes would be haunted by whatever horror her ex-husband had committed. Whatever Oz had done, it had succeeded at putting shadows in her eyes. And that was something even the Hellmouth had never done.

The green was no longer the sharp, dark green of a branch deep in the forest, untouched by the sun. Instead it was flat, dull. It was as though the day held no joy for her anymore. Unless Connor was around. Then, and only then, did she have Willow's eyes.

"Willow, I'm sorry…"

"For what?"

He closed his eyes, hating himself for making her cry. "That I hurt you, so long ago. That I ruined whatever chance it was that we had by being…me."

She laughed softly. "You didn't ruin anything, Xander."

"I missed my friend," he whispered into her hair, his warm breath caressing her ear. "I missed my Willow."

She was about to respond when a small force hurled itself at Xander's legs, small fists pummeling him. "Get away from my Mommy! You can't have my Mommy! She's mine! You can't take her!"

Willow moved out of Xander's grip and sank to her knees, gathering Connor into her arms. "Connor, honey, what's wrong? Mommy's not going anywhere."

"He's trying to take you away, like the lady took Daddy. He's trying to take you away from me!" His voice was thick with the tears that spilled down his apple red cheeks. His green eyes flashed with anger, fear and hatred as they stared up at Xander. "You're bad, just like the lady!"

Pressing him to her shoulder, Willow let him cry his agonizing sobs against her. She stood and started for the stairs. "You should go."

"No. He needs to get used to me, to know I'm not trying to take you away. If I leave, it's going to happen every time."

"You need to go, Xander. There's not going to be another time." The tears were in her voice as well, the memories darkening her eyes. "If being too close to you is going to make him afraid, well, I'm sorry, but my son comes first."

"Willow, he doesn't have to be afraid." Swallowing hard, Xander touched her shoulder lightly. "My mom never explained why my dad was always so mad. So I always thought it was my fault. Even when I was older and knew better, I still - deep down - thought it was me. I've kind of been there, Wills. Let me help? Let me teach one good thing?"

She nodded faintly and turned back to the stairs. Xander followed quietly, his heart pounding in his chest. He leaned against the door as Willow lay Connor on her old bed. "Honey? Are you okay?"

"Make him go 'way, Mommy?"

Her eyes pleaded with Xander, but he shook his head. "Why do you want your Uncle Xander to go away, Honey? I thought you liked him?"

"Do. But he's gonna take you 'way…" His sniffles and shuddering breath wrenched Willow's heart.

"No he's not. I'm always going to be here for you. No one could take me away from you."

"Someone took Daddy away."

She closed her eyes, not caring as the tears made tracks down her face. "I know, Honey. But Daddy didn't leave because he didn't love you. He left because he didn't love Mommy." She took a deep breath. "He found someone new that he loved more, and he wanted to take you with him, but I couldn't let you go."

"But when Daddy said goodbye last time, she said that I wouldn't ever see him again, because she was taking him away…"

Willow cursed softly under her breath, then forced a smile onto her face. "You don't need to worry about what she said. She was just teasing. I wish you'd have told me earlier so that you wouldn't have been so afraid." She smoothed back the unruly tangle of his hair. "And you don't have to worry about Uncle Xander, he'd never…"

Xander's hand on her shoulder stopped her. "I'd never ask your Mommy to leave you, Connor. If I ever went anywhere with her, I'd take you along. I promise. Okay?"

The small boy nodded sleepily before closing his eyes, his breath still coming in soft hiccups. Willow rose from her seat on the mattress and left the room, headed downstairs. Xander shut the door behind them and followed her.

***  
"That bitch!" Willow kicked the leg of the couch then kicked it again for good measure. Sinking to the ground in front of it, she buried her head against her knees.

Xander sank down beside her, stroking her head. "Willow, please tell me what's going on?"

She sobbed softly for a few moments before she raised her head. "We got married and it was so great, Xander. He was still Oz, you know?" Her eyes met his and she tried to smile. "Then I got pregnant and money was tight. He started taking more gigs with his band at night as well as working all day. Whenever I would ask him about staying home, he'd get mad and tell me he had to provide."

Xander moved slightly, leaning back against the couch. Spreading his legs, he pulled her between them, letting her lean on his strength. "Go on."

She relaxed against him, closing her eyes as the warm feel of his body enveloped her. "I went into labor the night of the full moon. He was at home, locked up…or so I thought." She shivered slightly. "When I got home from the hospital, the house was terrorized and Oz was lying in the living room, naked. He'd been out of it the entire three days. He lost his job."

"How'd he get out of the chains?"

"In a second." She took a deep breath. "He found another job easily enough, although it paid less. So that meant more nights out with band. And the new lead singer."

"Let me guess, a woman?"

Willow nodded. "Her name's…Kate. Katherine, really. She was their lead singer for about a year before anything happened between them. It was another full moon. Oz had apparently learned how to get out of the chains when something called to the wolf in him. It happened the night Connor was born because he wanted to be with his young."

Xander drew in his breath, cursing Oz silently.

"And he did that night, because he wanted to be with her." She was quiet for a long time. "I was next door dropping Connor off. We didn't want him to be frightened. I'd left the front door open a little and he left. He went to her. And he bit her."

"Bit her?"

Her laughter was like a knife in his chest. "She's a mage. A witch of sorts. She called to him with a spell and enticed the wolf to her. He was under her control, so the bite…well, lets just say the band doesn't perform on the nights near a full moon." A fresh wave of tears overtook her. Xander wrapped his arms around her waist and held her while she cried. "Wolves are supposed to mate for life, did you know that?"

"If it's a spell, Willow…"

"I researched it, after I found out…a couple months later. He came home the next day like nothing had happened. I know that Giles said that he doesn't remember anything that happens when he's a wolf, but I can't help but wonder." Her shoulders shook with her sobs. "She bragged to me one night, so I found the spell and researched. It's not something that lasts. It was only the one time. But when…when he mated with her as the wolf, he was hers. Forever."

"So you guys split up?"

"No." She laughed again, bitterly. "No, we went through two years of him avoiding being home at night with me. I could do anything…I could undress in front of him. I could use any sex tool or toy imaginable. I could rub myself against him, I could go down…"

"That's enough, Will. I get it." Xander took a deep breath of his own, trying to ignore the softly sobbed sentences that she'd spoken. He suddenly regretted that he was holding her so closely as the images danced in his head and affected his body.

"Nothing. I couldn't excite him. Then one night, she came over. She walked into the room and I could tell he had an erection. She just had to walk in." The tears were gone from her voice replaced by anger. "She didn't care that he had a son. She didn't care that I was his wife. She wanted him, so she took him. But she let it hurt first."

"I'm sorry, Willow. I wish you would have called or written or anything. I would have been there for you."

"Oz asked for joint custody when he finally filed for divorce. I agreed. I don't think he loves her Xander. But I think he can't live without her. And I wanted him to know his son. I wanted Connor to grow up with his father in his life." She pulled away from him and wrapped her arms around her knees again. "But then, Connor was afraid of her. And he didn't want to be around Oz anymore. And now this. She's succeeded in taking us completely out of Oz's life."

"And you still love him?"

"I'll always love him. He was my husband. My first lover. He was the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. But once he started walking out of my life, even before her, I knew that we'd made the wrong choice."

Xander nodded even though she couldn't see him. "I wish there was something I could say."

"Just don't say I told you so."

He laughed softly. "I could tell you my story. It's not quite so bad, although it seemed it at the time."

She turned around to face him. "Sure. I could use a good laugh."

Grabbing a pillow off the couch, Xander swung it at her, hitting her in the arm. Willow grabbed for it, catching it and swinging it at him. Ducking under the blow, he grabbed her around the waist and pinned her to the floor, his fingers chasing along her ribcage, tickling her.

Her laughter was like music to his ears, filling the house with light. He lay with his legs between hers and looked down at her. The shadows were gone for the moment and her eyes were like the eyes the girl he loved had. "Feel better?"

She nodded. "No."

"I dated a little. Nobody important." He held himself above her, his weight balanced on his arms. His lower body fitted to hers and he knew he was on dangerous ground. "I couldn't find the right one, the right someone. So I thought, maybe I should stop dating the next pretty girl and try and find the girl I loved."

Willow nodded, trying to ignore the feel of him against her. Her body, so long without a lover's touch, seemed to mold to his.

"I thought about all the girls…women I've loved, trying to figure out what I was looking for. I like strong women, did you know that?"

She giggled. "I got that idea. You like Slayers."

"Not just Slayers. Cordelia, she was strong in her own way. And you…you were always strong, Willow."

"Not as strong as you think."

He shook his head. "I like smart women. Strong, smart, sexy. Lots of S words. So I looked around Sunnydale and found a girl that fit the bill."

"Buffy," she whispered. Her body stiffened beneath his and he could feel her pulling away from him, physically and emotionally.

"Willow…"

"No." She pulled out of his embrace and managed to make it to her feet. "Thanks for listening, Xander, but I think you should go. My father's going to want dinner soon, and I need to spend time with him before it's too late." The tears were back and she tried desperately to hold them off. "I have to go." She spun around and ran up the stairs, away from him.

Collapsing to the floor, Xander buried his head in his hands. "Fuck."

**

Xander stood at the base of the tree outside Willow's room and stared at the soft light coming from her window. Grabbing hold of the branch closest to him, he swung up into the tree and climbed until he reached her balcony.

She was standing there, waiting for him, although the door was closed.

"Willow? Can we please talk about this?"

She shook her head.

"Damn it, Willow! Why is it you're allowed to disappear for years with Oz without so much as a goodbye, but I can't go out on a few dates with Buffy?"

"It's different."

"How? Why? Because you loved him? That makes it better? That makes it okay? I only kissed her, Willow. You had his child."

"Like I said, Xander. It's different."

"So, if I got Buffy pregnant, we could talk about this?" She turned away and he mentally cursed his stupid mouth. "I'm sorry, Willow. I am. But you're not even giving me a chance here. Don't you at least owe me that?"

She wrapped her arms around herself, as if she were holding herself together. He could almost hear her sigh. He smiled, even after all their time apart, he could still read her. She turned around and opened the door. "You know," she said once he'd entered the room, "I can't count the hours I spent here planning. I planned it all, Xander. Our first kiss, our first time, our wedding. I planned every last detail. That's how sure I was that we were going to end up together."

He sat on the end of the bed, not speaking. He glanced briefly at Connor's sleeping form.

"Do you realize we didn't share any of those? Do you even remember your first kiss? Do you remember who it was? Mine was with Oz. I kissed him. Our first kiss was when we were both with someone else." She looked around the room, staring at all the mementos from high school that still adorned the walls. "Your first time was with Faith."

The room filled with nervous tension as she managed to say the name they hadn't spoken between them in over five years. Her green eyes were full of memories. When he looked at her, he could almost see her, sitting in the cafeteria with Buffy and Giles listening to him break her heart.

"And mine was with Oz. We're just best friends and missed opportunities." Sighing, Willow sat down at her desk. "If it hadn't been for Buffy, it would have been different."

"We'd be dead."

She smiled. "That'd be different."

"Willow? I'm not sure I'm following…"

"I love Buffy, Xander. I wouldn't trade her friendship for anything in this world or any other. She's like a sister to me. But she's what made it all change. She's the reason Cordelia started hanging with us instead of hating us. She's how I met Oz…I would never have been brave enough without her. I never would have looked at anyone but you without her." She looked down at her hand, staring at the simple gold band on her finger. "The thought of you, with her…I can't explain it."

"Willow, you can't know that things wouldn't have changed."

"I do. I wouldn't have changed. And don't get me wrong, I like me. I liked the me she helped me be. But sometimes, when I look at her, I wonder what me I'd be if…" She twisted the ring, unable to meet his eyes. "When you saw her, every hope I had of you ever seeing me disappeared. I couldn't compete."

"I don't love her, Willow."

She met his eyes. "Maybe not, but you loved her then. And I was just your best friend. Which was still an amazing thing to be." She sniffed back tears. "The one thing that gave me hope when it came to you was the fact that Buffy would always say no. She would never think of you that way. But she did."

"Five years later." His dark eyes were confused. "But nothing happened. She made me realize that I'm still hung up on you."

"You don't love me, Xander." She stood up and walked over to her son. She reached down with a gentle hand and brushed his cheek. "You love the girl you used to know. She doesn't exist anymore. She disappeared the day I left Sunnydale. I told you before that you didn't know me, and I meant it. Now, I think you should go."

"Will you give me the chance to get to know you? Will you give yourself a chance…"

"My heart is off limits." She looked at him, steel in her gaze. "It's off limits to everyone except him." She nodded to the sleeping boy. "It's especially off limits to you, Xander."

"Why?"

She laughed sadly. "You've already broken it too many times."

***  
Buffy glanced at the clock beside her bed, moaning when she saw the early hour. She rolled out from under the covers and padded to the front door. A quick glance out the peephole shook the sleepiness from her. She unlocked the door and swung it open. "Hey Will."

"Can I come in?"

Buffy nodded, stepping back. Willow hesitated for a moment before stepping inside the apartment. "How did you…I didn't know you knew where I lived."

"Giles told me." She walked into the small living room and sat on the loveseat. "I'm sorry it's so early."

"It's okay." Buffy locked the door again and moved to sit in the chair opposite her. "I'm guessing there's something on your mind?" When Willow didn't respond, she sighed. "I'm guessing it's me and Xander?"

Willow's green eyes met her blue ones. "He told me about you guys dating."

"I don't know that dating is really the word. We went out five times. The first time, he took me to the movies on my birthday, which for once, didn't end up like some horror story. Although the movie was awful."

Willow couldn't help but giggle. "I bet you'd take a bad movie over a birthday surprise any day?"

Buffy laughed as well and nodded vigorously. "He shared his popcorn with me, which I know is a big step on Xander's part - almost a commitment. But after that, he walked me home, we staked a few of the undead hanging around, and he blushed and stammered his way out of kissing me goodnight."

"Xander?"

"I was surprised too, especially since it had been…a while since he'd dated. So we went out again, because I had a feeling he was trying to prove something to himself. He managed to kiss me that time, but it was over before I could even pucker." Buffy pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. "After that, we managed one real kiss that made us both realize that as a couple, we weren't. There was no real chemistry between us. I'm too in love with Angel."

Willow sighed. "I'm sure he was heartbroken."

"No. He wasn't. Because he's too in love with you."

She shook her head. "He says that, you say that. But how am I supposed to believe it? I asked my mother every time I talked to her if she'd seen or talked to him. And every time, she said no. He never asked about me, Buffy."

"Willow, do you think maybe your Mom didn't want to add fuel to the fire between you and Oz? She knew things weren't going well, didn't she? Maybe she thought if you were worried about Xander, you weren't trying to save your marriage."

"He was my friend forever, shouldn't I be concerned about him?"

"Yeah, Will. You should. But you don't hear the change in your voice when you talk about Xander. It's different. It softens and you're like the girl you were in high school again. It can be dangerous loving two men. Especially when one of them is a werewolf."

Imitating Buffy's posture, Willow hugged her own knees. "Putting your feelings about what happened between me and Oz aside…did Xander miss me, Buffy? Honestly?"

Buffy ran her hand through her tousled blonde hair. "Willow, if I had a dollar for every time I heard your name in the five years you were gone, I'd be richer than Mel Gibson, Tom Cruise and Jim Carrey combined. He didn't just miss you, Willow. He realized what you mean to him."

"You think I should stay, after Dad…after he's gone, don't you?"

"Yeah, I do. And not just so that I can have my best friend back." Buffy got off the chair and moved over to hug her. " Your heart is here."

***  
Willow brushed the hair back from her forehead and sighed. Leaning back against the seat, she stared out the windshield of the car at the building in front of her. This was a stupid thing to do. She'd already made a decision that she wasn't going to stay in Sunnydale. She wasn't going to let her son grow up here. It didn't matter that some of the best times of her life had happened here. Sunnydale was home to monsters and vampires and everything evil a person could imagine. This was no place to raise a child.

Yet she had grown up here and survived. She'd become a better person for what she'd gone through. Her family was here. Her friends were here. Sunnydale High School loomed large in front of her. Oz wasn't here.

She got out of the car and walked up to the school. Making her way to the library, she pushed open the doors and surveyed the room. Giles looked up from the book he was reading, his smile genuine. "Hello, Willow."

"The school's looking for a new computer teacher. They called when they heard I was home." She kept one hand on the swinging doors. "What do you think?"

Giles closed the book and removed his glasses. Looking at her intently, he shrugged. "You don't want to stay. You're afraid to stay."

"Why am I afraid, Giles? I've faced things worse than this."

"You're afraid staying will just prove to you that you made a wrong choice. But Willow, life is full of choices and we often make the wrong ones. And sometimes we make the right ones at the wrong time. You're no different than the rest of us."

"Are all the choices so hard?" She walked into the room, moving over to the table. When she sat across from him, she had tears standing in her eyes. "I thought it would be easier after high school. I thought if I left, all the hard choices would be behind me."

"Sunnydale doesn't have the exclusive rights to evil. And unfortunately, evil isn't the only bad thing out there." He raised his glasses back up and put them on. "Why would you think it gets easier? You saw me when I had to make decisions that could have easily sent all of you to your premature deaths. You saw the things that I struggled with. Did you honestly think they were simply problems a Watcher faces?"

"I was hoping." She sighed. "I don't want to stay here. I'm afraid."

"Fear is very good for keeping you alive."

"He's just a baby."

Giles nodded. "Yes. But you were a child here and you survived. Did more than survive. You became an amazing young woman."

"You have to say that."

"I'd like very much to see you stay, as would everyone. But if you need to leave, Willow, we'll support you in that too." He reached across the table and squeezed her hand. "We're your friends. That doesn't change. Not with time or fear."

"I could help more, if I worked here. Mom's willing to watch Connor while I work, since she's taking care of Dad too." She smiled. "You haven't met him yet, have you?"

"No." He shook his head slightly.

"Would you mind very much? Being Grandpa Giles?"

His laughter filled the room, joined quickly by hers. Leaning back in his chair, he folded his arms over his chest. "I think I'd rather like it."

"I'm going to take the job, aren't I?"

He nodded and she sighed, resting her chin on her hand. "Is it going to get easier, Giles?"

"No."

***  
Willow shut the door behind her and turned around. The small projectile hit her squarely in the nose. "Connor!"

"It wassen me. Xander." He pointed at the object of his accusation. "He threw it."

"Xander?"

He picked up the stuffed animal and hid it behind his back. "Sorry?"

"Where's Mom?" She set her briefcase down and walked toward the kitchen. "And why are you here?"

"It would make more sense if you switched those questions around." Xander lifted Connor onto his shoulders and followed her. He noticed her dirty look and swallowed. "Your mom and dad are at the hospital for his checkup. They asked me to watch the little guy here, since they're going to be gone for a while. Okay?"

"And I suppose they promised that I'd make you dinner for watching him?" Willow pulled the refrigerator open and grabbed the dishes that her mother had prepared.

Xander shrugged, sending Connor into a bouncing fit. "I think I deserve it." He grabbed the little boy's waist and lowered him to the floor. "Come on, big guy. We're going to get out of your Mom's way and go look for buried treasure in the back yard."

He squealed in delight and ran to the door. Willow's voice stopped him. "Connor? Get your coat."

"But Moooommmmm…."

"Now, or you stay in."

He pouted as he stomped his way into the foyer. "Xander too?"

"Xander too." Willow turned her back, afraid if she saw his face; she'd burst into laughter. Xander grumbled and made his way into the foyer as well. Both returned, coats in hand. Willow sank to her knees in front of her son and helped him into the light jacket. Slipping the zipper into place, she zipped it up, ending the ritual by planting a kiss on his nose. "Have fun."

"Xander too!" Connor insisted.

Willow stood and stared at her friend. He held the coat out to her. "Xander too," he smiled.

Helping him slip into the coat, she hooked the zipper and pulled it up to his chin. "There you go."

"Don't I get the kiss?" His voice was barely above a whisper, but it carried the weight of meaning. Licking her lips, Willow leaned forward, standing on her tiptoes to place a soft kiss on his nose. He could sense her nervousness and knew she was worried he'd turn it into a real kiss.

After a long moment, he pulled back. "We'll be outside. Call us when it's time to clean up for dinner? Or if you need help."

Willow nodded, watching them leave the room. When the door closed behind them, she leaned against the counter, trying to catch her breath. "Help." She nodded. "I'm definitely going to need some."

***  
"Mom? Can Xander tuck me into bed?"

Willow was surprised at the tightening in her chest. "You don't want me to?"

"Maybe you could both do it?" His green eyes begged her as his lower lip slipped out into a pout. "I think it'd be fun for Xander to do it. He could tell me a story. A different story." He started nodding emphatically.

"Okay. Wash up and change and he'll be up in a minute."

Connor left the room happily. Xander glanced up from his plate at Willow's worried face. "I'm not trying to replace you in his life."

"No. You're trying to replace Oz." She turned her back to him and started the water running for dishes. She felt him come up behind her and braced herself for his touch. When it didn't come, she looked at him over her shoulder.

Xander stood there with a very serious look on his face. "I know that you don't want me in your life like that, Willow. I'm just trying to be there for him. I know what it's like to grow up without a father who does stuff with you. I just don't want him to have to suffer through that. I'm not trying to replace Oz."

"Yes, you are." She rubbed her temples. "Which, to be honest, I'm not sure is a bad thing. He needs a father. But Xander, I don't want him to think of anyone like that except the man I'm going to marry. If I find someone else, I don't want him to think that person is trying to kick you out of his life."

"Are…are you seeing someone else?" His voice was soft, almost dangerous.

"No. But that doesn't mean that I won't at some point. Right now, I'm trying to get my life back on track. You're trying to make my son fall in love with you in some misguided attempt to make me fall in love with you. And the only person that's going to hurt in the long run is Connor."

"Xander! I'm ready for bed!" Connor's voice drifted down the stairway.

"I'm sorry you think that's the only reason I'm doing this. I thought you knew me." Xander left the room, heading upstairs.

Willow sighed heavily. "Damn it." She pressed her hands to her eyes, hoping to stop the hot tears that threatened. Why was this all so hard? She pushed away from the counter and followed Xander.

***  
"Xander?" Connor's voice was soft and unsure. "Are you gonna be my new daddy?"

And he thought Willow's comments were hard to handle. "I don't know, Connor. That would mean that your mommy would have to love and marry me. And I don't know that she's going to do that. But I'll always be your friend. And I'll always be here for you."

"I want you to be my daddy. You're here all the time anyways. Why shouldn't you be?"

Tucking the blanket tighter around him, Xander sighed. "There's a little more to being a daddy than that. Being a daddy means loving your mommy and you…"

"Don't you?"

"Yes, I do," he admitted. "But it also means your mommy has to love me and I don't think that's going to happen."

"Oh." He paused to think for a moment. "Can't you make her? Or maybe I could?"

"No. I'm afraid you can't make someone love you, no matter how much you might want to." He looked up from Connor's gaze to gaze at the picture of him and Willow that sat on her beside table. "I knew a girl once who tried to make me see that she loved me and I never saw it until it was too late. But she couldn't make me love her when she needed me to."

"What happened?"

"She married somebody else."

"Did she live happily ever after?" His voice was heavy with sleep.

"Eventually." Xander leaned forward and kissed his forehead. "She will."

"Night, Xander."

"Night, Connor." He stood and started to leave the room, surprised to see Willow standing in the doorway. He smiled at her and motioned her out into the hall. When the door was closed, he leaned against the wall. "Are you mad?"

She shook her head. "No. You want to help me do the dishes? And maybe talk?"

"I'd like that."

**

Dishes had never ranked up there as an erotic activity until that night. Every time Willow would reach over to set the dish in the rinse water, Xander would take it from her, his hand caressing hers lightly. Visions of warm bubble baths danced in her head, as their slippery hands would touch. When they had finished washing, Xander moved behind her, wrapping his arms around her as he placed his hands in the water. He grabbed her trembling fingers in his and kissed her neck softly.

"Willow?" The word was nothing more than a breath, hot against her neck.

"Xander, please don't." She closed her eyes, letting her body relax against him. "You said we could talk."

He pulled back, nodding. "All right. Let's go talk."

Willow waited until he sat down on the couch to sit across from him. Just being close to him was very rapidly becoming too much for her to handle. And every touch seemed to send shockwaves through her body, directly to her groin.

But then, Xander had always been able to make her want him.

"This isn't going to be about Buffy again, is it?" Xander's brown eyes were troubled. "I don't know what else I can say to make you see that I don't want her or love her, other than as a friend."

"It's not about Buffy. It's about us, Xander. You…I want you, so badly. I always have. I imagine I always will. But wanting isn't loving. And wanting isn't enough to build a relationship on."

"I don't just want you, Willow."

"But I don't know that I don't just want you." She sighed, burying her head in her hands. "Right now, you're so insistent, so good with Connor, so…you seem so perfect. So near. So…easy. But easy isn't necessarily right. And this time, I have to do the right thing."

"Because of Connor."

"And because of me." She sighed. "It hurt so much to leave Sunnydale and you behind. When Oz and I split up, the pain was like a living thing." Tears glistened in her eyes. "If I try and lose you…again. It's going to cost me my heart and my soul. That's a lot to put on the line, Xander."

"Especially with my track record?" His voice was soft. "Let me prove my self to you, Wills? I can't show you that I've changed if you won't even give me a chance." She was about to answer, when the front door opened and Willow's parents walked in. "Hey, Mr. and Mrs. R."

"Hello Xander." Mr. Rosenberg smiled at the younger man. "Here to romance my daughter?"

"She won't let me."

"She's stubborn," Ira smiled at Willow. "But I think if anyone can wear down her defenses, it's you." He walked over and placed a kiss on the top of Willow's head. "We'll watch the little terror. You two go out and have fun."

"Are you sure?" Her green eyes searched his face.

"Go."

Xander laughed. "Uh-oh Will, he's got his resolve face on. We'd better hit the road." He guided her to the front door and grabbed both their coats. "Night."

"Have her home before the sun comes up," Ira called over his shoulder.

"I'll do what I can," Xander responded.

Grabbing her coat out of his hand, Willow slapped Xander with her other hand. "He doesn't need the encouragement, you know."

He took the coat back from her, ignoring the slap. Helping her into it, he hooked the zipper and pulled it up to her chin. Time froze as they stared at each other in silence. "I'm going to kiss you, Willow," he whispered as he lightly touched his lips to her nose. Her body seemed to jerk toward his and she tilted her head slightly.

Struggling to breathe, Xander accepted her invitation, meeting her upturned lips with his own. It was warm and soft and innocent and over far too quickly for Xander's tastes. But he broke away, scared that he might frighten her. Willow's green eyes seemed huge as she stared up at him. "Where should we go?"

He swallowed. "The Bronze?"

"Your place?"

His voice found a new octave. "Okay."

***  
Willow gazed around the apartment, laughing in delight at the sheer Xander-ness of it. "It's so you." Magazines and clothes lined the floor, the kitchen looked brand new, and posters of various scantily clad, Asian actresses lined the walls. One in particular caught her eye. "Amy Yip at the Water Park?"

"How was I to know she was going to make a movie just for me?" He flushed a deep red and took off his coat. "Can I take your coat?"

She nodded and slipped out of it, handing it to him. Walking around the room, she ignored most of the things she saw, her mind more occupied with the fact that she was alone, with Xander, in his apartment. "It's a nice place."

"It's filthy. I'm not home much anymore. I spend most of my time at work, the library or your house. It's a lot like high school."

"Well, the first couple of years." She moved some magazines off the couch and sat down. "So, should we talk?"

He nodded and sat down across from her in the easy chair. "You set the rules, Will."

"You have to tell the truth."

"We both do."

She nodded. "All right."

"Do you love Oz?"

"Yes."

"Are you in love with him still?"

She sat still for a moment, staring down at her wedding ring. Taking it firmly between her fingers, she removed it and set it on the coffee table. Her green eyes met his. "No." She paused, taking a deep breath. "Do you love Buffy?"

"No."

"Do you love…are you in love with anyone?"

"You."

He said it so quickly; she couldn't help but look up in surprise. "Have you brought any other women here?"

Blushing furiously, he shook his head. "Wills…I haven't been…I haven't…not since Faith."

She fell back against the couch in shock. "What?"

"I saw how much Faith hurt you…and I couldn't do that to you again. And once you left, I didn't want to find anyone else. Buffy's been the only other relationship I've had since you left me."

Silence filled the room as Willow processed his words. "I had no idea."

"Has there been anyone other than Oz?" His voice was quiet, as though he wasn't quite sure he wanted to know the answer.

"No. And there hasn't been anyone since…for about four years." She blushed. "What a pair we make, hmmm?"

"Maybe it's fate trying to tell us something."

"I don't want to love you again, Xander." She shook her head adamantly. "You're too quick to fall in love and it's too easy for you to walk away. With Connor…I can't risk it."

"I would never walk away from you, Willow."

She stood up and started pacing. "You have though, time and time again. I have to put him first, before what I might want, before what we might want. I have to take him into consideration."

"Answer me this, Willow. Do you plan to leave Sunnydale?" She shook her head and he sighed in relief. "So, I'm going to be around all the time, aren't I? So why does it matter right now if we do what we want?"

"Because I won't be able to walk away!" The tears came again and she cursed them under her breath. "I can't love you again and let you break my heart. I can't. I lost the man I thought loved me more than life itself when Oz walked away. And I had already given up the man I…" She stopped.

Xander looked up at her sharply, his dark eyes curious. "The man you…what?"

"It's never been a secret that I love you, Xander. I've loved you all my life, and that's never going to change. But I can't trust you with my heart." She sat down, sinking into the chair as if she couldn't support herself any longer. "This isn't going to solve anything."

"Marry me."

"What?" She snapped angrily.

"If that's the only way I can prove to you that I love you and won't leave you, marry me."

"You're being ridiculous now." She stood, grabbing her coat. As she pulled it toward her, her wedding ring went flying across the room, skittering under the stove. "Damn it."

"I've waited for you for five years, Willow. Willingly. Knowingly. I know it's not the thirteen years you spent waiting for me, but it's something. I love that little boy. He's great. When I tucked him in tonight, I felt so complete…" Xander stood and went to her side. "I've hurt you in the past. I know that. I know that I didn't see you until it was too late for us. It was too late then, Willow. It doesn't make it too late now."

"I can't risk it."

"You can't not risk it." He grabbed her arms and turned her to face him. "Life is too short, Wills. And love is too precious. I've waited for you, even knowing that you might not come back, because there was no one else. If I can't have you, there's no one." His eyes pleaded with her to understand.

"I want to trust you."

"Trust me."

"I want to. But I think of all the times…"

"Willow, think about the future, not the past. Let it go?"

"I want to." She nodded. "But I'm so scared, Xander."

He pulled her to him, holding her tightly. "I know Wills, but didn't I always protect you in the long run? Wasn't I always there for you when you needed me most? And could you please not answer those questions?"

They both laughed, Xander pulling Willow back so that he could stare into her eyes. "I'm not asking for everything, Wills. Just a chance."

"A chance?" She looked skeptical, despite the wide grin. "That's all?"

"A chance." He nodded, then bent and swept her up into his arms. Carrying her toward the bedroom, he was pleased to note she wasn't protesting. "Well, and maybe one other thing."

***

Xander shut the bedroom door behind them with his foot before setting her back down. He blushed as he noticed the mess his bed was. "Let me straighten up a little?"

"We can do it." She walked to the bed, tossing clothes and other things she wasn't sure she wanted to look at closely onto the floor.

"I don't sleep here much. I usually just crash on the couch."

"How come?" She met his eyes across the king-size bed.

"Well, I bought this when I moved out. I was so tired of the bed I had at my folk's house, I decided to get the biggest one I could. I didn't realize that without someone to share it with, it seems as big as a small country."

"A small country with a population of two?" She lay down on top of the bedspread and smiled up at him.

"Only if I can convince someone to migrate." He lay down as well, still keeping some distance between them. "We're really nice to immigrants."

"Welcoming?" She reached out and touched his chest, unbuttoning the top button of his shirt.

Xander moved forward. "Oh yeah. You should see what we do for our new citizens."

Willow unbuttoned another button, smoothing the fabric back from his skin. "Show me?" She undid another button, tugging to pull the shirt from his waistband. He caught her hands and pulled the shirt over his head.

Her breath caught. Even though she'd seen this much of him her first day home, she had been so preoccupied with everything else, not to mention the shock of seeing him, that she hadn't taken the sight in. Now she did.

His skin was a golden brown from his work outside. The dark hairs stood in stark relief against his skin, sprinkled lightly across his chest. She placed one hand on his collarbone then trailed her fingers down to the vee of dark hairs that disappeared into his jeans.

Xander closed his eyes as she touched him, drawing in a sharp hiss of air as her hands explored him. She paused for a moment before moving over his belt and running her hand across the distinct bulge of his erection. He shuddered, "Oh, Willow…"

She smiled happily, trying to hide the tears that stood in her eyes. His eyes snapped open as though he could sense something was wrong. His concerned look was alleviated when she shook her head. "It's nice."

"Nice?" He moved her hand and brought her to him and wrapped her in his arms. "What's nice?"

"Knowing that you want me." She started crying in earnest, burying her head against his bare shoulder.

He thought for a moment about the torture of loving someone who can't return your interest. A feeling he'd become accustomed to with Buffy and with Willow. And one Willow had been familiar with all of her life. He tilted her chin up so that he could look into her eyes. "Willow?"

She nodded, struggling to smile.

"Since homecoming night, when we kissed?" She nodded again and this time the smile was more genuine. "All I've ever wanted to do is bring you back home to my bed and make love to you. I used to dream about it. I used to imagine holding you under me as I slid slowly inside you. I used to fantasize about the feel of your mouth on me, kissing me everywhere."

Her body was rigid against his. She moaned softly, arching toward him, grinding her pelvis on his thigh. "Oh, Xander…"

"The hope that one day I would be able to do those things and so many more has kept me going for the past several years." He closed his eyes, reveling in the press of her body. "I know this is sudden and I know you're probably hurting and I know that you've been lonely, but I love you and I want to make all those fantasies come true. I want to make love to you."

"I want that too," she whispered.

"But Will, this is important." He met her green eyes with his brown. "I need you to be here because you want to be with me. I don't want him or the way he treated you on your mind. I don't think I could take being a substitute for Oz."

She surged forward until her lips were a breath away from his. "Oz who?"

***  
Xander wrapped his hand around her neck and brought her lips to his. Their kiss was deep and rough, filled with the pent up passion of the years they'd spent apart. Willow buried her hands in his hair, pinning him back to the bed. Wrapping his other arm around her waist, Xander adjusted her so that she lay completely on top of him. He smoothed his hand along the length of her.

Willow made a small sound, rubbing her body on his. Her hand snaked into his hair and she looked into his eyes. "Xander?"

He met her gaze with his own. Her hair was falling like a frame around her face and he realized he'd never seen anyone or anything so beautiful.

"I'm sorry that I ever hurt you."

"Willow, come on. This isn't about all of that." He rolled over so that they were on their sides. "The past is over and done with. And the future's a long ways away. Can't I just love you here and now before we get to the forever and always?"

"I'm scared. More scared than I've ever been." Her tears returned, spilling down onto his lips. The salty taste of her brought tears to his own eyes. "I'm so afraid to trust anyone right now. I want to trust you, Xander. I want to let go and recapture everything we had so long ago…"

He pressed his lips to hers quickly then pulled away. He paid no heed to her tears. He no longer saw them. "That didn't just happen."

She laughed through her sadness. "No. Well it did, but…"

"You think it was a fluke, Willow? You think this is just hormones and passion?"

She shook her head and managed a smile. "No."

"Do you love me?"

"I've loved you all my life, Xander. Nothing has ever changed that. Not Oz, not Connor. Not anything."

"We've found each other again." His brown eyes were serious. "I don't want to lose what we have Willow. We've got a second chance. How many people get that?"

"Not many." She pulled away from him and got off the bed. His heart stopped and he wondered what the hell had gone wrong. She kept her back to him for a long time until he noticed the material of her shirt move. She slipped the blouse off her shoulders and down her arms.

His heart started again, somewhere in overdrive. The shirt fell to the floor and she looked at him over her shoulder. The shy, nervous Willow of his youth was there, but there was also a Willow that had loved before. He smiled at the thought that she had more experience than he did.

"You're the most beautiful woman I've ever met, Willow Rosenberg."

"This from a man who's never been outside Sunnydale." She turned slowly and he gazed at the soft sweep of her neck, the smooth line of her stomach and the creamy swell of her breast. "I have to wonder about your expertise when it comes to judging such things."

"Especially now."

She tilted her head, her confusion obvious. "Why's that?"

"Because I don't think that, after seeing you tonight, I'll ever be able to see any other woman."

***  
Willow smiled and sank onto the bed again. Xander sat up and moved to her side, cradling her chin in his hand. "No one has ever replaced you in my heart. No one ever could."

She touched his hand, pulling it away from her face. He was shaking with nervousness, his eyes holding hers for a moment before straying down to the satin bra that was now pressed to his chest. She lowered his hand to touch the see-through fabric and the shaking turned to trembling. He let out a soft moan as she arched toward his hand.

"Oh, Willow…" he buried his face in the hollow of her neck, his lips leaving a trail of burning kisses along her skin. His hand molded to her form, his thumb gently tracing the dark tip of her nipple. She tilted her head to the side as he kissed his way up the elegant slope of her neck to her ear. His teeth grazed her earlobe and she gasped, her hands wrapping around him and holding him to her.

She moved against his hand, aching for his touch. His kisses, his love, his need had lit a fire in her and she ached to touch him. She pushed him back onto the bed and gazed down at him. His bare chest moved rapidly with his breathing, growing worse as she slid her hand down to his belt buckle. "Xander?"

He nodded, too overcome to speak.

"Would you mind very much if I undressed you?"

A thrill of desire coursed down his spine, ending somewhere south of the warm feeling in his stomach. "I wouldn't mind at all," he managed to whisper.

She unfastened the metal buckle, pushing his leather belt out of the way. Her long, delicate fingers wrapped around the top button of his fly and with a practiced movement, unfastened it. Xander swallowed hard as her fingers rapidly took care of the other buttons as well.

He stared up at her, her face tight with concentration as she finished her task. How many times had she stared at him with that same look, determined to teach him something? How many times had he not seen her?

"I wish I could make it up to you, Wills."

Her eyes widened and she looked up at his face. "Make what up?"

"How I treated you."

"You can." She tugged at the denim and pulled his jeans free of his legs. His cotton boxers hung loosely around his legs, but clung tightly to the hard bulge of his erection. Willow took a deep breath, her mind filling with adolescent imaginings of being alone with Xander like this. She memorized him, needing to remember every inch.

"How?"

"Love me?"

"That's all I know how to do anymore." He felt his body respond to her scrutiny of him. She was kneeling next to him and he reached up for her. "Come lie beside me?"

She nodded and lay beside him. His skin was warm and silky, yet slightly rough to her touch as she rubbed his chest once again. He stilled her hand and pushed her onto her back, becoming the aggressor. She grinned up at him, licking her lips.

"You're wearing too many clothes, my love."

Time stopped. Willow stared up at him, replaying the soft endearment over and over in her head. She lifted her hips as he smoothed her jeans off of her. His breath left him in a rush as he stared down at her shapely legs. His gaze made its way up her lightly muscled calves to the curve of her thighs.

His voice was barely audible as he whispered her name. His trembling hand stroked the silky flesh of her thigh before making its way up to the thin cotton of her panties. He caressed the tangle of curls beneath the fabric.

She arched forward, pressing against his hand. He smiled weakly, then moved it upward, sneaking up toward her bra. "Xander?"

He pulled away quickly, afraid he'd done something wrong. "Yeah?"

She sat up and took his hands. "Nervous?"

"Is it that obvious?" He laughed quietly. "I haven't done this in a long time. Well, I've never done this. I've done…"

She kissed him, trapping the words she didn't want to hear between them. Guiding his hands to her hips and nudging them upward, she arched her back. For the longest time he simply stared at her and her heart sank. Surely Xander was not still incapable of taking a hint? She was about to say something when he pulled her closer.

The satin bra was cool as it pressed to the skin of his chest. She pulled back, her green eyes liquid with passion. "Help me?"

His fingers manage to unhook the clasp of the coral lingerie, slipping it carefully from her skin before setting it aside. His eyes feasted on her, taking in the swell of the ivory skin peaked with hard, dark, rosy nipples. He swallowed hard, his breath harsh sounding in the silence of the room. "Oh, Willow…" He bent his head, capturing the hard tip between his lips.

She let out a low moan, her hands embedded themselves in his hair, holding him to her. He suckled the warm, crinkled flesh; losing himself in the taste of her. She shivered under his ministrations, her whole body coming alive at his touch.

Her hands left his hair, trailing down his skin until she encountered the elastic waistband of his boxer shorts. With eager hands, she pushed at the material, desperate to touch him.

Xander pulled away from her reluctantly, allowing her to guide his boxers off of him. She removed them, paying no mind to the fabric as she tossed it aside. Her eyes were focused only on the hard, pulsing length of his cock.

"Oh," she whispered. Her hand wavered in the air just above it before settling lightly on it. Xander surged forward, unable to help himself. She pulled her hand back, her eyes wide with surprise.

"Sorry," he mumbled embarrassment in the lines of his features.

"Don't apologize," she shook her head. "Do you know how much I want you, Xander? How much I've always wanted you? To see you…" Her tongue darted out and she wet her lips. "It's nice that you want me, Xander."

"Nice?" He managed to ask. "How nice?"

She lowered her head, the darting tongue sweeping across the tip of his cock. "Let me show you."

***  
Xander's hips left the bed as her mouth engulfed him, his shaft sliding eagerly between her lips. She reached out with one hand to push him back onto the bed as her tongue traced the vein along the underside of his erection. His hands clasped the sheets beneath him tightly as he struggled not to lose control as the pressure of her warm mouth increased.

He gasped, desperately trying for air as the soft suction continued. His muscles tightened and he gave up on trying to breathe. Willow moved the pressure of her mouth, focussing her attention on the sensitive tip and the breath he'd been holding left him. His hands left the sheets to tangle in her hair as his hips arched of the bed. His orgasm rocked them both, leaving Xander trembling beneath her and Willow with a wicked grin on her face.

"Wills?"

She controlled the smile with difficulty, "Yes?"

"Have I told you lately how amazing you are?"

"Not since the day we got back our SAT's."

His hand rose to her hair and he stroked it away from her face to see her eyes. "Well, I'm a little behind in my Willow appreciation, aren't I?" She was about to respond when his strong arms caught her and flipped her onto her back. "Shall I catch up?"

"Xander? What are you up to?"

"The question, my Willow, is who am I going down on?" She giggled, her smile lighting up her face. He chuckled softly as well, his hands stroking her stomach. Very slowly, he edged her legs apart all the while easing his hand lower. "You know, this is the first time I've seen you relaxed since you got back."

"Do I seem relaxed?" she asked quietly. "I must be quite the actress then, because I feel like my stomach is tied up in knots."

"You're not relaxed?" He asked quietly.

She shook her head, biting her lower lip.

"Shall I see if I can help?" He moved his hand to the warm flesh between her thighs. Easing her panties off of her, he let his thumb flicker over the hard nub of her engorged clitoris and she cried out. "Let me know when you start feeling at ease."

"Xander," she sighed, spreading her legs wider to accommodate his exploring fingers.

With infinite care, he slipped one finger between the soft folds of flesh. The muscles of her vagina tightened around him, the warmth of her arousal coating his finger. "Do you taste as good as you feel?"

She made a sound as he lowered his head, incapable of speech. His tongue flicked out, much as his finger had done, and caressed her clitoris. She inhaled rapidly, her body opening up for him.

Xander slipped another finger inside her, opening her to his ministrations. His tongue dipped inside, hungry for the sweet taste of her. She ground against his tongue, her whole body straining for his touch. He moved back up to her clitoris, devoting his full attention to the hard button.

Willow closed her eyes and pressed her head back against the bed. Her hips began moving in time with Xander's now thrusting fingers. He was moving them slowly, letting them fill her completely before withdrawing. "Please, Xander?" She begged quietly.

He increased the pace of his strokes. "Please what, Willow?"

Bracing her feet on the mattress, she angled her hips even closer to him. "Please?"

He smiled and replaced his tongue with his thumb, finally applying pressure to her throbbing clit. She cried out, her body clamping around his fingers almost painfully. He continued to move them as well as he could until they were bathed in warm wash of her shuddering climax.

***  
Xander waited until her body eased back onto the bed before removing his fingers from her and licking them clean. She watched him through half closed eyelids. He smiled impishly. "You okay?"

"Yeah," she nodded. Her voice was husky with desire. "You figure that out on your own?"

"With the help of a few movies," he blushed. "It was…?"

She nodded. "Incredible."

His smile turned from impish to self-satisfied. "Really?" He lay down beside her, his brown eyes dancing. "Incredible I can live with." He stretched out, pulling her against his chest.

"Um, Xander?"

"Yeah Wills?"

"I didn't say I was relaxed yet." She snuggled closer, her hand moving down to grasp his rapidly hardening cock. "And you said you'd help."

He groaned and began moving in her hand. She "tsked" and pulled her hand away. He groaned again, this time in frustration. "Willow…"

"Please?"

He pulled her on top of him and kissed her hungrily. She pressed the mound of her sex against his swelling organ as her tongue tangled with his. He rolled them over, breaking the kiss so he could raise himself up. "I…I just realized something, Willow."

She reached down and rubbed the tip of his cock against the wet lips of her vagina. "I love you too, Xander."

"I don't have anything."

She shook her head, "Don't worry." She arched toward him, begging him with her body. "It's covered."

"You're about to be." He brushed her hand away and guided himself inside her. As he filled her, he lowered his head and whispered in her ear. "And I love you too."

Her legs curved easily around his, pressing them together and limiting his movements. Xander felt constricted between the tightness of her legs around him and her warm, wet passage. Constricted and surrounded by Willow. Just the thought sent a rush of blood to his groin and he pumped faster.

Willow gasped, unwinding her legs from his so that she could force him deeper inside her. She braced her feet on the bed once more, allowing the rough hair to brush against her aching clit. Pushing up against him, she sped up their pace. Their intermingled breath was nothing more than shallow gasping, their bodies both becoming slippery with sweat and desire.

Xander moved one hand to roll her hard, tight nipple between his fingers and she cried out, burying her head on his shoulder. He released the nipple, wrapping his arm around her arced back and holding her to him. His hips thrust hard and fast against hers until she cried out again, this time coating his still moving cock with her explosion.

Continuing to pump inside her as she shuddered with her orgasm, Xander kissed her, sucking her tongue deep in his mouth. Willow licked the roof of his mouth, teasing it with the tip of her tongue and he lost himself, spending himself as deeply inside her as he could.

***  
They collapsed together in a heap of skin, sweat and spent desire.

"Willow?" He lay his cheek against hers, unsure he could look in her eyes. Her damp hair clung to his cheek and the smell of vanilla filled his senses. "Can I ask you something?"

"No." She turned to face him. "But I can tell you something, if you'd like. I meant it when I said that I love you, Xander. And this wasn't just a one time thing."

His face brightened but his eyes were still worried. "I know, but…"

"And I've gone this long without needing someone." She knew that, if Faith truly was his last sexual experience, he was probably afraid she was going to walk out the door any second. "So this wasn't just about lust. Now, set the alarm for five so that I can get home before Connor wakes up."

Xander raised his head to look down at the woman he loved, the woman he was sure he'd lost so long ago. "So you're relaxed then?"

She nodded. "For now." She tilted her head and smiled at him. "But it's a good point. Better set the alarm for four. Just to be safe."

***  
Willow propped herself up on one elbow and stared down at Xander's sleeping form. His face was so relaxed, so innocent in sleep. Her heart was full, looking down at the man she loved. This was what she had waited for. This was what everything in the romance novels had talked about - fireworks, symphonies and soul mates.

She thought of Connor briefly and touched her stomach, a wave of sadness sweeping over her. At least pregnancy wasn't an issue. She turned her thoughts back to the man beside her and smiled.

"I love you Xander. And I hope we didn't just make the biggest mistake of our lives."


End file.
